to wonder
by pugfaced
Summary: — - For the rest of his life, he knows that he can only wonder about what could have been. [oneshot]


_to wonder_

— -

Draco insists that it has nothing to do with the money or the power or thinking that with this marriage he will be able to bring his family back into good graces — but it does. He insists that their time — the long years that he and Pansy have shared together — is over because nothing is really the same anymore. "We aren't children anymore," he tells her sadly, letting her cold, stiff hand fall through his pale, slender fingers. "We can't just keep pretending," Draco whispers. Pansy has too much pride to let the tears she holds back fall down her face and does nothing but nod in response before her eyes lift to watch his retreating back. He wouldn't have been able to stay and watch her until she broke completely, but he would never forget the choked sobs he heard once he was out of sight.

— -

He didn't invite her to the wedding. It wasn't because he didn't want to, but because he knew that she would have never come. He knew that it would have broken her more and felt more like a slap in the face than a kind gesture extended to old friends. He couldn't help but glance into the glistening white chairs beneath the cloth tent pitched at the Greengrass Estate every once in a while hoping to see a girl with choppy black hair, even if she hadn't been invited. Astoria didn't seem to notice it though, supposing that he must have just wanted to see the big turnout to a beautiful wedding. Theodore Nott, his best man, places an encouraging hand on his shoulder and Draco's attention is brought back to his bride. She is light-haired with bright eyes and a kind smile; she is everything Pansy Parkinson is not, and somehow it just feels wrong. Draco pushes the feeling away and smiles down at her. Yes, this is what he wants. This is what is right.

— -

Theodore shows up on his porch one day, nearly two years later, with a bright smile and asks him to be the best man at his wedding. "Of course," Draco tells him, ecstatic at the idea of his old friend becoming a married man. He can't help but ask if he took his time because he had actually been looking for someone he loved and is surprised when Theodore says yes.

"Who is this lucky woman?" Draco asks, bringing his friend into the cool air of Malfoy Manor. He is excited for him, happy for him, but he's curious. Theodore has always been picky and Draco wonders who was so perfect that Theodore would finally get down on one knee and propose to them. But it's almost as if he already knew the answer.

"Pansy," Theodore tells him breathlessly, his eyes lit with a boyish charm and a blush creeping to his cheeks as he tries to fight the smile. A smile is frozen on Draco's face, but he knows that it doesn't quite meet his eyes.

"Parkinson?" Draco nearly stutters, combing his fingers through his pale, blonde hair as takes a seat in an over-sized armchair. He hopes that he doesn't sound the way that he feels.

"Yeah." Theodore is biting his lip nervously. Draco doesn't often see Theodore acting like a nervous schoolboy. "I know that you guys had a — a thing in school and stuff I hope it's not too awkward or anything but she's really amazing."

"Oh, of course." A small smile plays on Draco's lips as he gestures for Theodore to take a seat in the sofa across from him. "We haven't really spoken since the war. She doesn't mean anything to me and I really wish you both the best. I look forward to being the best man at your wedding."

Theodore looks ecstatic and doesn't seem to see that Draco's smile is forced, his tone is too sweet, and his eyes don't seem to match the words he speaks. _I'm over her_, Draco tells himself as soon as Theodore leaves. Draco walks over to the bookcase and pulls out the Hogwarts Yearbook. He flips through the pages until he sees Pansy's handwriting telling him, _Forever - P_. Draco snaps the book shut and tosses it onto the floor.

"I'm over her," he tells the empty room. He almost believes it.

— -

Draco stands beside Theodore in a charcoal colored tux. He is tall and proud and he hasn't thought about Pansy in months. Instead, he thinks about how his marriage to Astoria brought him and his family back into the good graces of society and how much he loves his now-pregnant wife. She smiles adoringly at him from the church pews while one of her hands rests on her belly. Draco gives her a small wave and feels as if he's finally at a good place in his life.

Soon, the music begins to play and the doors to the church open. Draco doesn't really pay any attention to any of the people coming through the doors because he's more concerned about the imaginary piece of dirt on his sleeves. But soon, he feels a presence that commands him to look up. So he does.

She's standing there at the end of the aisle. Her hair is no longer in a choppy bob, but flows like a waterfall down her back. Her dark eyes are not glassy like the last time he saw her, but filled with life, mystery, and adventure. Her skin glows and she shines like the sun. Pansy Parkinson is the only person in the room that he sees. His heart is beating against his ribcage and his feels like he can no longer breathe. He aches to caress her cheek as she walks closer and closer to him. Draco feels something that he has not felt in a long time — warm, hungry, and _alive_. Pansy is the sun and Draco wants to be burned by her.

Draco doesn't notice that he's taken a step forward until he feels the sharp tug on the back of his jacket by Blaise and blinks his way back into reality. Pansy doesn't even look at him as she takes Theodore's hand and for some reason, it breaks him. Draco swallows — _hard_ — and blinks away the tears that sting his eyes. He wants to call her name, grab her hand, anything that will make her even look at him but he's frozen. The sound of his rapidly beating heart drowns out the words, but he can't pretend he doesn't notice her lips forming the words 'I do.'

His jaw is slack, his eyes are red, and his throat feels raw. For the first time since their separation, Draco comes to the realization that maybe he made a mistake all those years ago, choosing power over a life of love and adventure. For the rest of his life, he knows that he can only wonder about what could have been.

— -

_thanks for reading! _


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